LOVE this quote! i just saw it on a facebook group page (sarcasm society, fwiw). how come i don't belong yet??
privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.
~fyodor dostoyevsky
when i was in Nashville a few weeks ago, my friend and i went to the Grand Ole Opry and heard Emily West perform her song, Blue Sky. at the time, i felt like it would go down in her fandom as one of the great performances of her career, because it was just so beautiful and heart-felt and intense. i was blown away. well, i remembered it this morning and downloaded a copy, and i've listened to it at least 20 times. the more i get to know the song, and now that i've really heard all the lyrics, i love it in a new way.
this song breaks my heart because i think i understand some of the pain in it. this last spring, i ended a relationship with someone i'd been seeing for a few months - someone who turned out to be bad for me. as i've been working through things that happened, trying to think clearly about his criticisms and expectations, and striving to be realistic about my strengths and weaknesses, i've realized that even though some of his criticisms were true, i'm still a strong person. i still don't deserve to be hidden away, to be discouraged from being myself, to be treated like a child and insulted. i know that i feel lonely a lot. to be honest, sometimes i have moments of weakness, and i feel desperate. i'm too old to not have things figured out by now and to still be alone, and it makes me feel like a failure when all these horrible feelings come crashing in on me. but somehow, in my fierce self-loathing, i know that the pain of being with someone who tears me down when he should be building me up is a pain i can't endure. somehow i know that the pain i inflict on myself is all i can bear (and that is sometimes questionable). i can't carry the weight of his selfishness and blindness.
in a video clip, Emily described the inspiration for this song. she said: "...basically, this song is a break-up song about being in a relationship and knowing that you were the strong one, and that that kept the relationship afloat...."
i don't claim to have kept the relationship afloat - being together for only a few months can hardly qualify for anything so noble. but the idea that you can come to the end of a relationship break-up and realize that you are strong really resonates with me.
and you're feeling guilty
and you're wishing i was there
so you wanna say you're sorry
well, please forgive me if i'm to gone to care
you can take back your goodbyes
wipe off those sad eyes
'cause i've got some tears of my own
the weatherman says it's gonna rain tonight
the kind of storm where the basement floods and you lose the lights
you should've thought of that before
'cause i'm not your blue sky anymore
so you heard the pitter-patter of a lost heart beating
and learned what it was for
so you made a list of shoulders that you'd be needing
well, mine aren't yours anymore
come on, show me your temper
be the man i remember
so i won't forget what you've done
the weatherman says it's gonna rain tonight
the kind of storm where the basement floods and you lose the lights
you should've thought of that before
'cause i'm not your blue sky anymore
this breaks my heart. i couldn't stay in with Stanford, it was too hard.
and see me as i really am!
you have shown me the sky
but what good is the sky
to a creature who'll never
do better than crawl?
of all the cruel bastards
who've badgered and battered me,
you are the cruelest of all.
can't you see what your gentle
insanities do to me?
rob me of anger and give me despair.
blows and abuse i can take and give back again,
tenderness i cannot bear.
so please torture me now
with your "Sweet Dulcineas" no more.
i am no one, i'm nothing.
i'm only Aldonza the whore.
~Aldonza, Man of La Mancha
(are these getting boring?)
the oldest child we take care of is a 4-year-old girl - - actually, she's not in the program, but her babysitter has been volunteering full-time for the last week or two, since we're so under-staffed. anyway, this girl (L****) was playing dress up this morning, wearing a floppy brown hat, and carrying a purse on each shoulder. she told the other kids, "i'm going to Africa, and i'm never ever ever ever ever e v e r coming back. ...well, maybe on Saturday."
she left the room, then came back a few minutes later and said, "I went to New York..."
me: "i thought you were going to Africa...?"
L****: "Africa was closed."
all right, admittedly, this probably isn't considered a vignette, technically, but oh well.
today, one of the 3-year-olds (A******), who is really quite perceptive and communicative, showed me he knew how to deal an emotional blow. he was standing next to the screen door, pushing it shut whenever the little 16-month-old boy opened it to go inside. i repeatedly told A****** to let the boy go in, and he kept saying "no" and sliding the door shut again. i eventually got up and walked over to him to scold him and let the other little boy in. this made A****** decide to go in, as well. he stepped through the door, turned around, looked me in the eye, and very deliberately said, "i'm going inside, because that's where you're not." i made a face at him and walked inside with him. ha.
yesterday, i was helping L***** in the bathroom, and decided to change the toilet paper roll before we washed hands and opened the door. kids like to help any way they can, so i handed him the empty roll to him to throw in the trash can, while i turned to grab a new roll. when i turned back, he was - yes, licking the empty roll i'd handed him. me: "L*****, stop licking everything!"
i'm actually really liking my job. it's sometimes overwhelming and frustrating, certainly always tiring... but i feel like the people i work with make it so bearable. the lead caregiver is encouraging, the director is supportive, the volunteers are cute little grandma-types, and some of the babies are so cuddly. and a good portion of my job consists of rocking children to sleep, so i get some snuggle time every single day! that's probably the best part of my job.
little blond boy
me: "L*****, stop licking everything."
(little blond boy was in the process of licking things when i discovered his wet diaper. he managed to get a taste of (among other things) the side of the slide, a rocking chair arm, and both sides of the plastic gate dividing the play area and the diaper changing area.
he feels threatened by most any question you ask him, whether playing or scolding. his panicked answer to every question? "mommy!" every question. it can actually be quite amusing when manipulated creatively.
newborn mommy
because of the nature of our program, we can get some pretty young children. sometimes a mom will need to leave her newborn baby with us for the first time while she goes off to try to accomplish a day in high school. the youngest baby we have is 3 weeks old. when his mom dropped him off and gave us instructions, her voice wavered a bit. our director gave her a quick hug, the mom's eyes got red and her nose got sniffly, then she composed herself. she comes and sits with her baby during 3rd period, right before lunch. today, she didn't have her car, so she walked from school to the center.
so, i got a job a couple of weeks ago, and have been slowly working into it. i can do that, because i work at a daycare that helps teen moms care for their babies while they go to school or work, and it's slower when school is out for the summer. but this week, school starts, and my schedule will be filling out. even then, though, my schedule will be sort of all over the place, depending on when the girls need care. so i wrote down my hours, which are different just about every day, and brought them home to put on my google calendar. now, as i look at my schedule, i see full columns of pink denoting the hours i'll work, and i'm starting to feel a little panicky. i know i can do the job, and i know i'll even enjoy it for the most part, but this always happens. having plans makes me nervous. and having whole days full and over-flowing with plans makes me even more nervous.
i think what is worrying me so much right now is that i have a horrible cold. my nose, throat and chest are in a lot of pain, and it doesn't seem like my medicine is working at all (which may mean that if it is working, i'm that much sicker than i feel).
the good thing for now is that i only work 2 hours tomorrow (Monday), and they're not until mid-afternoon. but then i work an average of 9-10 hours on the other days. also, this week, there is a cookout/bbq at the daycare center after we're done; and on Thursday, my co-worker and i have CPR training after work.
i know i technically eased into this job, but it still feels like i'm jumping in over my head suddenly.
it'll be fine. i can do it.
i just really think this video is so funny. it's Babe-licious. (wink wink)
ah, i love them English people.
What is your favorite John Hughes movie? Bonus points: Share your favorite quote from that movie.
Breakfast Club.
favorite line(s):
Clair: You know, you look a lot better without all that black shit under your eyes.
Allison: Hey, I like all that black shit... Why are you being so nice to me?
Claire: Because you're letting me.
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Recent Comments
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Mithrandir said:
I almost want to say I have the opposite problem. I probably don't feel the need to apologize enough. I... read more
on just keep your head above -
Mithrandir said:
i don't know what it is about me and DMB. From the sound of it, I would guess you enjoy... read more
on i woke up and for the first time, the animals were gone -
shyla said:
i've heard "Funny The Way It Is" on the radio station a couple of times and keep determining to listen... read more
on i woke up and for the first time, the animals were gone -
Mithrandir said:
Yeah, I would say the lyrics of that song portrays the sort of darkness and grittiness that you can find... read more
on i woke up and for the first time, the animals were gone
on love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars